In the realm of toxic relationships, the dynamics of people pleasing often surfaces as a seemingly benign, even altruistic behavior. However, beneath the veneer of this “selfless” act lies a more complex, and often darker, reality. As a relationship expert and dating coach, I’m delving deeper into the often misunderstood world of people pleasing in relationships, unraveling its ties to manipulation, selfishness, and narcissism.
What is People Pleasing?
People pleasing is a behavioral pattern where an individual prioritizes the happiness and approval of others above their own needs. On the surface, it appears as a generous and accommodating act. However, this behavior, especially in intimate relationships, can be a subtle form of manipulation and a way of rushing the early stage of relating, to avoid feeling the feelings of vulnerability and fear of abandonment that can surface with attachment anxiety.
This is often referred to at the end of things as ‘Love Bombing’, where one partner bombards the other with romantic intensity and grand gestures that create an over-familiarity and a sense of false security, to nail down the objection of their affection. Often though once they have the person where they want them, the thrill of the chase subsides and they lose interest, discarding the person and leaving them reeling with confusion, and hurt feelings which can result in trauma and wounding.
Manipulative Undercurrents
- Control Through Compliance: People pleasers often use their agreeableness to indirectly control situations. By constantly aligning with their partner’s desires, they can steer the relationship’s direction without open confrontation.
- Avoidance of Conflict: People-pleasing is a strategy to avoid conflict or negative judgment. However, this avoidance can manipulate the partner into a false sense of harmony, concealing underlying issues that need addressing.
- Creating Emotional Debt: Continually bending over backward can create an unspoken expectation of indebtedness. This ‘debt’ subtly obligates the partner to reciprocate, often in ways they may not have agreed to if given a choice.
The Selfish Aspect of People Pleasing
- Neglecting Self-Needs: Ironically, people-pleasing is inherently selfish. It’s a self-serving act that prioritizes one’s need for approval and fear of rejection over genuine relationship building.
- Inauthenticity: By constantly molding themselves to others’ expectations, people pleasers often lose their sense of self. This inauthenticity can lead to resentment, as the relationship is built on a false version of themselves.
- Impaired Emotional Health: Continual people-pleasing leads to emotional burnout. This is not self-sacrifice but a self-centered approach to avoid personal discomfort at the expense of genuine connection.
Narcissistic Tendencies in People Pleasing
- Seeking Validation: People pleasers often have an insatiable need for external validation, a trait commonly found in narcissistic personalities. Their self-worth is heavily dependent on others’ perceptions.
- Manipulating Emotions: People pleasers can subtly manipulate their partner’s emotions. By playing the martyr or victim, they can elicit sympathy and attention, feeding into narcissistic needs.
- Surface-level Relationships: People pleasers often fail to form deep, meaningful connections, as their interactions are based on pleasing rather than authentic sharing. This superficiality aligns with the narcissistic trait of valuing appearances over substance.
People pleasing, often mistaken for a selfless act, can be a manipulative, selfish, and narcissistic behavior in relationships. It’s crucial for individuals to recognize these patterns, both in themselves and their partners. In relationship coaching, we encourage authentic communication and self-awareness, fostering healthier and more genuine connections. Breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle is not just liberating; it’s essential for building truly fulfilling relationships.
Are you struggling with people-pleasing in your relationship? Our expert coaches can help you navigate these complex dynamics and foster a more authentic, healthy partnership. Contact us today for personalized guidance and support.
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